F seasonal depressurization or what you call it...

 An ad made me cry today... that's how you know you have to be careful what you do and say for a couple days...

Normally I wouldn't watch anything like this once ... but today I kept watching it over and over again...

Just ignore it

2 years have passed since my GF left me and today I got an E-mail from her, well, sort of... 

It was a Linkedin invitation. I kinda' hoped it was for real, for whatever reason, BUT when I cliked on it LinkedIN displayed an error. So she most likely pressed something she shouldn't have then corrected it.

Either way, it's not a good idea to jump to comclusions with women. Sometimes they intentionally do something and instantly regret it and say it was an error/mistake.

If an X wants to contact you, (s)he has all your contact information and will contact you properly, otherwise it's not worth your time ... not even to write about it on your blog. Oooops!

Life is short - maybe just midlife crisis thoughts at 39

This will make sense only to people who know me, so ... strangers don't have to continue reading.

I don't want a diagnosis, BUT today I feel "past life", I mean with all the shit that is going on in the world and in my personal life, I really don't care anymore ... about anything really. I have tried to keep many things under control most of my life, and I mostly failed, I think. I tried to not do bad if I can't do good ... but yeah ... in reality I have messed up a lot.

I appreciate the joy some people brought into my life.

1. My sort of first girlfriend brought me out of a deep depression at age 27. She didn't stick around, but made me realize that I want a woman of my own. It only took me like one month after that to get a young woman, with whom I spent almost 10 years of my life.

2. I'm glad she tolerated me for as long as she did. We both had serious deficiencies when it comes to relationships and social stuff, but we lived together for about 5 years, then dated for another 4 years before she threw me out. Then mentally I was still with her for at least another year. 

3. My family ... I appreciate that they exist, BUT now I have to admit that I would have been better off without them after the age of ... let's say 22. They never understood me, kept giving me bad advice and guilted me into eating really unhealthy food every weekend with them ... long story, turns out that I have crippling IBS. My brain stops working when I eat bad food ... so ... it was kindof a nightmare for years. I would eat at the family dinner and 2-3 days later I would get very high fever and abdominal pain ... almost every week. 

I saw my doctor a couple times, she said it's probably a virus, gave me some medicine and sent me away. She had me do some blood and urine test, which came back inconclusive or however you say it... and then I stopped going to doctors. From age ~19 to 39 I only went to the dentist, because that's kinda unavoidable, but that's it. Doctors can go to hell, if my doctor and nobody at the lab nor the specialist that saw my results said anything useful. Gave me some BS placebo over the counter meds and sent me away.

I don't think I'll ever go see a doctor until I end up in an ambulance/emergency room.

4. My sister I love and respect very much (now), but wasn't always like that. We lived together in the same room until I moved out at the age of 24 ... so ... yeah ... I blamed her for stuff that she wasn't really responsible for... always woke me up at 6AM when I had classes only in the afternoon.... and other stuff like that ... roommate stuff. I corrected my thinking shortly after I moved out. Our relationship got a lot better after I left, I think.

So ... it's not nice to keep grudges, BUT the person I really hate (still) is my 5th grade gym teacher, who was our head techer (or form master?) up to 12th grade. She was a woman, and did't know a lot about parenting nor teaching ... she made all the fundamental mistakes she could. Just a few examples:

1. she hit my best friend. Once she was lecturing him on something and said something like "do you know I stay late at work for you?!" then he replied in kindof an insensive way "I know, my parents work late too". Then she slapped him like the bitch she was.
2. she once threatened the class "if you don't bring in the donations, you can't come into school!". These donations were standard, meant to cover janitor's pay and heating bills and things like that ... BUT it wasn't like they could force us to pay, so she threatened us like the bitch she was. Turns out that one of the new students took it seriously, she didn't know the teacher was a bitch, so she didn't come to school for like 3 months. We all thought she was sick or transfered out, but after 3 months she came back and I remember the head techer asking her where she was and if she has a doctor's note or something ... and ... the new student said she's sorry, but her family is poor and couldn't bring a donation... (until then, i presume, that's why she finally came to school, because she got some money to donate. )

I'm not even going to bring up more examples. For these two things she should have gone to jail. Hitting a student for no good reason and threatening us to pay the donation, which is also profoundly illegal. Long story short, I can never forgive her for this... even if I ignore all the stuff she did to ME.

I also have to mention our romanian teacher from 5th grade. She was a very knowledgeable person at least, but she behaved like a POS in our school, which was a hungarian school in Romania ... and she was romanian, also a racist.

A couple of times she picked on me because I didn't do my homework, it was fine... but after a while I didn't do any homework and she would have me standing up, sometimes asked me if I was a retard, if I had a handicap. That was a breaking point for me, just like when the gym teacher hit my friend... I could never forgive that racist bitch, who also broke the law when she talked like that to me.

One little sidenote here ... kinda' funny... that romanian teacher later ended up giving me a passing grade after I failed romanian in 12th grade ... so it was a summer exam and our teacher got sick... so she filled in for her... and as luck would have it I pulled two titles out of the hat that I read the previous night, I learned nothing else. So when I pulled those out of the hat she said, hey, you know these two (she asked me what I learned/prepared for this exam when we went in and I told her exactly what). She was kinda surprised that i pulled those two out of ~50... maybe she felt it was fate, or felt bad about giving me shit in 5th grade, for whatever reason when I started talking, explaining how the novel starts by presenting the road to a town ...bla bla bla ... she interupted me and basically told/explained the whole novel ... then got back to me asking "and in the end?" I said "the author presents the road out of the town." ... and I got an 8 (something like a B- or C) passing grade.